Why Me, Lord?

As a pastor, I visited many people who were sick or injured, hospitalized,  or homebound on what were to become their deathbeds. Some were suffering quietly, while others went through agony from their  illness or from the  medical efforts to save them. I felt bad for them, for what they were going through, and tried to console them with prayer and scripture, that their faith would remain strong even as their bodies weakened. Most had faith that put mine to shame, accepting their condition stoically, or looking forward to seeing Jesus and their lost loved ones, but occasionally, one would ask the poignant question, “Why me?”

Sometimes I found myself silently asking God the same question for them. Why was this particular godly servant, lifelong believer, faithful church-goer having to go through this? Surely they should have a full, pain-free life, didn’t they? Surely there are plenty of evil people who deserve this suffering instead?

I was reminded of Psalm 73:3-5,in which Asaph complains to God, “For I was envious of the arrogant  when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.” Likewise, Jeremiah complained, “Why does the way of the wicked prosper?  Why do all who are treacherous thrive?” (Jeremiah 12:1)

The most personal this question came was when my sister asked it of me. She wondered what she had done wrong, to go through two divorces, several heart attacks, and the amputations of both her legs. Did God hate her? I tried assuring her of God’s love for her, reminding her of Job, the most righteous man of his day, who suffered loss and illness. And of Paul the great Apostle, who was afflicted by a “thorn in the flesh” in spite of his prayers for relief (2 Corinthians 12:7). Not to mention Jesus himself, who was tortured and killed on a cross, though perfectly innocent and holy. Her sufferings were not punishment for personal sin, but a consequence of a fallen world and our mortality. Sadly, her mortality was proven soon after.

But now, it’s my turn to ask, “Why me, Lord?” It’s been over twenty years now since I was diagnosed with diabetes, and other than some recurring foot problems, I’ve been able to live and function normally. I never missed a day of work from it, and retired six years ago, looking forward to times of travel and other activities. But, during that whole time, my diabetes was “chipping away” at my kidneys, decreasing their function, dropping me from one stage to another. Now, the kidneys have failed enough that I need to go on dialysis, something I have dreaded and postponed beginning.

So I now ask, “Why me?” But fortunately, because of my faith and my experiences with suffering believers, there’s no anger or sense of injustice in my question. I just want to know what purpose this will serve, what I am to learn (or teach) from it, and what I am to accomplish with the time I have been given. I have a paperweight that says, F.R.O.G. on it: Fully Rely On God. Below those words are written my special scripture: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). I want to keep that message in front of me, and trust that the God who has blessed my life so much for so long, has my future in his hands.

As to why I have this condition and others do not, I am reminded of the true story of a group of fathers and sons who took a bike ride up Pike’s Peak in Colorado. They were having a great time until two of the bikes collided, and one of them veered off the path and over the side of the cliff. Horrified, one of the fathers watched as his son plunged to his death. The stricken dad cried out in anguish, “Why me?” and the others in the group gathered around to comfort him as best they could. As it turned out, one of the other dads was a Lutheran pastor. The man looked the pastor in the eye and asked, “Why me?” To which the pastor replied sadly, “Why not you?”

The pastor’s question seems harsh at first. But I thought of it when my need to proceed with dialysis became clear. Why me? Why not me? Why should I, of all the people who have ever lived, be immune from sickness and suffering? What did I do to deserve such immunity? Maybe this is a time of testing as it was for Job, or my own thorn in the flesh, or my “cross to bear.” I know that once I was issued a handicapped placard, I became more aware of other people’s disabilities and sympathetic to them.* Maybe I have more to learn from what lies ahead – hopefully for years to come.

At the same time, I appreciate how blessed I have been for so many years. Basically, I was healthy for over fifty years, which itself was a good long time compared to most people throughout history. Likewise, I never suffered from serious injury or violent crime. I never had to go to war or flee as a refugee from war or natural disaster. I was never poor or destitute, but always had plenty to eat (as anyone who as seen me can attest.) I had godly parents who loved me and modeled the Christian life, raising me in the faith and making sure I was baptized. And not least of all, I have been married to a believing and faithful wife for almost 49 years. Not a bad run.

Therefore, I join with Job in asking, “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10). And leave the answer to “Why me?” to heaven – when I won’t care what the answer is, because I will be so filled with joy and awe. But then the question won’t be about why I am ill, but why would God choose me as one of his own. Praise God for his mercies shown in this life, and in the life to come!

Now may the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord life up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Amen.

Read: Job 2; Lamentations 3:13, 19-24; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

*See my blog, “I Was Wrong” of January 15, 2022 for when I forgot this.