New Year, New Names

Happy New Year to you, my readers, as we begin what we all hope will be, in so many ways, a better year. As for me, after waiting up until midnight on New Years Eve to welcome in the new year, I didn’t notice any dramatic changes in anything: in fact, if I hadn’t known the date, I wouldn’t have known the new day was any different from the previous one, except that my wife and I toasted the arrival of the new year with glasses of sparkling apple cider.

And yet, we have a new name for these new days: we call them 2021 and give their new name some significance because, well, the number comes after 2020. And yet, it doesn’t feel any different. There’s still a pandemic, still a shutdown, and we’re still here. And I’m still retired*, something for which I am grateful, seeing all the restrictions and hoops my former pastoral colleagues have to go through to continue their ministry.

But in the culture around us, much is changing, based on new social attitudes, growing secularization, and political polarization. And much of the change has to do with language. Certain words are created, others are banned, and new meanings are given to old terms to agree with new sensitivities. What was perfectly acceptable speech when you said it can now get you fired, shunned, or even attacked, no matter what good you have done with your life.

One example of such changes came in the mail as a questionnaire from a health care provider. There were two questions on it that caught my attention (other than the usual ones about whether I ever had leprosy, bubonic plague, or Ebola). The first question was, what sex was I assigned at birth, and the second: what are my preferred pronouns?

I haven’t answered those questions yet, because I really want to give some crazy answers as a protest against using those terms. For example, I wanted to cross out “at birth” and change it to “at conception” because that is when I received the chromosomes that determined my sex (gender is a grammatical term – or at least used to be until it was redefined). I also thought of putting down, “Other,” or “Hermaphrodite” but that sounded like an answer a junior high boy might give. (And I am far too mature and serious to stoop to that level!)

As for the second question about my preferred pronouns, I’m thinking of answering: “Me, myself, and I” and let them wonder whether I’m really that self-centered. Or, “thou, thy, and thine,” and tell them that’s from my days as a pastor in case they question it.

Yes, I considered such shenanigans, but I’m worried that if I ever need medical attention, the health professionals will read my answers and take appropriate measures in retribution. So I’ll probably skip them or play it safe with standard answers.

But there’s another area where some renaming is long overdue, though I realize my ideas will have little or no impact, nor cause any change whatsoever. This idea came with the turn of the calendar page last Friday to the month of January. I stared at the page, and asked, “Why do we call it January? January is named for Janus, a Roman god with two faces, one looking back at the old year, and one looking forward to the new. Is that what we, especially as Christians, actually believe? If not, then why do we keep repeating the name of a Roman god every time we speak of this month?

Consider that all our names of months through August come from Roman gods, leaders, or celebrations:

1. January – Janus (Roman god of beginnings and endings);
2. February – Februalia (festival of purification)
3. March – Mars (Roman god of war – the month when armies went to war) [See 2 Samuel 11:1 – “In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle. . .]
4. April -Aperio (Latin word for opening or budding)
5. May – Maia (Roman earth goddess of plants)
6. June – Juno (Roman goddess of women and marriage)
7.  July – Julius Caesar (Roman dictator who named it after himself!)
8. August – Caesar Augustus (Roman emperor who decreed all the world should be taxed [Luke 2:1])

And then there are the numbered months: September (7th), October (8th), November (9th), and December (10th), Which would be fine, except those numbers are all wrong in our current order, since September is actually month number 9, and so on with the others. We could put them back in their right place, and call the eleventh month “undecember” and the twelfth month “duodecember” in keeping with the Latin numbering.

We could, but I have a better idea. There are twelve months in the year (based on twelve cycles of the moon), and we Christians have no shortage of twelves to work with that are not based on Roman gods or rulers. How about, naming the months after the twelve apostles? After all, the Book of Revelation 21:14 says that their names will be inscribed on the twelve foundations of the New Jerusalem. So the least we can do is honor them now**:

1. January becomes Johnsmonth
2. February becomes Philipsmonth
3. March becomes Matthewsmonth
4. April becomes Andrewsmonth
5. May becomes Matthiasmonth (who replaced Judas Iscariot – Acts 1:26)
6. June becomes Judesmonth
7. July becomes Jamesmonth
8. August becomes Alphaeussonsmonth (James, son of Alphaeus)
9. September becomes SimontheZealotsmonth
10. October becomes Thomasmonth
11. November becomes Bartholomewsmonth
12. December becomes Petersmonth (because “the first shall be last” -Matthew 19:30)

Notice that when possible, I kept the first letter of each name the same, to help people learn the new format. I will expect my readers to begin the trend beginning this Johnsmonth!

Or, if you want to “go Old Testament” on me, you could name the months after the twelve tribes of Israel, since Revelation 21:12 says their names will be inscribed on the twelve gates entering into the walls of the New Jerusalem. The months could be named: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Gad, Asher, Dan, Naphtali, Joseph, and Benjamin. So, June could become Judahsmonth and July Josephsmonth!

But I’m not done with renaming, since we have the same problem when it comes to the days of the weeks. Unlike the languages that follow the biblical naming of the seventh day of the week the Sabbath, such as sabato in Italian and sábado in Spanish, and shabat in Hebrew, English names that day after Saturn – not the planet, but the Roman god. So, whenever we use the standard English days of the week, we are honoring the following:

1. Sunday – after the sun and the Norse goddess Sunna
2. Monday – after the moon
3. Tuesday – after the Germanic god of war – Tiu, son of Odin
4. Wednesday – after the Germanic supreme deity – Woden (or Odin)
5. Thursday – after the Norse god of thunder – Thor (not the movie guy)
6. Friday – after the Norse goddess of love and beauty – Frigga (or Fria)
7. Saturday – after Roman god of agriculture – Saturn

Even under the atheistic Soviet Union, the Russian name for Sunday remained Christian: voskresen’ye (Воскресенье) which literally means, “Resurrection Day.” How awesome is that! Soviet commissars would greet each other with, “I’ll see you next Resurrection Day!” But we say, I’ll see you next sun’s day? What’s wrong with this picture?

Again, we Christians have no shortage of 7’s to work with in renaming the days of the week. I think we should keep Sabbath for Saturday and Lord’s Day for Sunday, but otherwise, we can draw from other biblical sevens:

1. The seven last words from the cross (“Forgive Them Day” sounds good)
2. The seven churches of Asia in Revelation 2 (Ephesus, Smyrna, etc.)
3. The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (such as wisdom, understanding, might, fear of the Lord, etc. from Isaiah 11:2)
4. The seven virtues (such as patience, kindness, humility, etc.)
5. The seven deadly sins (actually, not a good idea: we shouldn’t have a greed-day, a lust-day, an envy-day, etc. Though a gluttony-day is worth considering . . .)
6. The seven seals, trumpets, and bowls in Revelation 6, 8, 11, and 16
7. The seven miracles in which Jesus healed on the Sabbath (7th day):  a man with a deformed hand (Matthew 12:9-13); a man possessed by an unclean spirit (Mark 1:23-26); Peter’s mother-in-law with fever (Mark 1:29-31); a woman crippled by a spirit (Luke 13:10-13); a man with abnormal swelling of the body (Luke 14:1-4); a lame man by the pool of Bethesda (John 5:5-9); and a man born blind (John 9:1-7).

There you have it: seven possible lists of seven which would be an improvement on our current names of the days of the week. (After reading the seven bowls of wrath in Revelation 16, I’m starting to wonder whether we’re already somewhere on that list!)

Now that I’ve solved the naming of the months and days quandary, I’m ready to take on even more linguistic challenges. But that’s enough for now. After all, tomorrow’s a new day, and I have plenty to do to be ready for – Wisdom Day, or is it Patience Day, or is it Giving Sight Day, or . . . .  ..

Whatever you call it, may God bless you in the days, weeks, months, and year ahead!

Now may the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Amen.

Read: Matthew 12:9-13; Isaiah 11:1-3; Acts 1; Revelation 21

*Yep, I began my fifth year of retirement on Friday, and this is the anniversary month of starting my blog, and the 142nd article since I began! And to think my second blog expressed my concern that I wouldn’t have anything else to say!

** For the final list of the Apostles from Scripture, see: Acts 1:13.