Month: May 2025

The Pope is dead.

Now begins two journeys: one on earth for the Roman Catholic Church as it picks a new Pope, and one in the spiritual realm where the late Pope, Pope Francis, faces judgment before God (“And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment,” Hebrews 9:27). There, he will have to answer for all that he said and did in the flesh (1 Peter 4:5).

Which leaves us the earthly realm. After one day of the enclave, when all the cardinals are locked up in the Vatican until they choose a new Pope, all we have seen is black smoke, which traditionally signals they have not yet chosen a new Pope. Given that they are in a quandary over who the new Pontiff should be, let me offer a suggestion: choose me as the new Pope.

There are good reasons to choose me, and here are my qualifications:

1. I am the right age. I am 73 years old, close to (but less than) the 76 years Pope Francis had obtained when he became Pope. I could serve three years longer than he did.
2. I live in the Western Hemisphere, which Francis did before being elected Pope.
3. I am a man, still a prerequisite for priests and Popes.
4. I am a Christian, and part of the Priesthood of all believers.
5. Every Sunday I confess that I believe in the “holy catholic Church.” Isn’t that enough?
6. Like Francis, my church is called St. Peter’s. Not quite a basilica, but let’s not quibble.
7. I used to officiate over the traditional liturgy, and made the sign of the Cross over the congregation.
8. I am free to serve now, and available for a new job, having been retired for 8 years. As friends have told me, God isn’t done with me yet. Could this be what they meant?
9. My election would heal the schism between Protestant and Catholic; it is appropriate that a Lutheran would heal the split caused by Luther. Next: the reunion with the Orthodox Church.
10. I began learning Italian on my own (ciao bella!), and have formally studied five languages, including the biblical languages of Greek and Hebrew. I can pick up Latin on the way to Rome.
11. My wife could become a nun, as was Luther’s wife. (Remind me to check with Karen on this point.)

There are some traditions I would want to keep when I become Pope.

1.  Keep the “Popemobile,”a bulletproof limousine which would drive me around wherever I go.
2. Keep the Pope’s airplane, “Shepherd One.” No more TSA inspections, taking off my shoes, or baggage restrictions.
3. Let people continue to kiss my ring.
4. Retain the ability to canonize my friends as saints (which they already are as fellow Christians), staring with Saint Richard and Saint Karen . . .
5. Keep the Swiss Guard costumes/uniforms.
6. Keep the Papal Apartment in the Vatican, so Saint Karen and I have a place to stay whenever we’re in Rome; no more Motel Sixes!

Of course, there would have to be certain changes I would make, proclaimed by infallible papal bulls (edicts) issued “ex cathedra” (from the throne):

1. Remove the condemnations and ex communications which Pope Leo X issued against Martin Luther and the Christians who followed him.
2. Resolve and end any issues of corruption regarding finances or priests’ sexual behavior.
3. Use much of the Church’s wealth for missions and charitable work.
4. End the doctrines of purgatory and indulgences. With his death on the Cross, Jesus paid for the sins of the world (1 John 2:2).
5. End the practice of prayers to the Saints; “For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 2:5).
6. I will return Mary to a proper and biblical view, as the truly blessed mother of our Lord, but also a sinner who sang praise to “God my Savior” (Luke 1:47).
7. Proclaim the truth and doctrines of the Reformation: Salvation is by Sola Gratia (grace alone) through Sola Fide (faith alone) in Solus Christus (Christ alone), revealed by Sola Scriptura (Scripture alone, and to Soli Deo Gloria (to God alone).
8. When all this is done, I will end the belief in the infallibility of Popes and traditions, lifting up the 66 books of the Bible as the only infallible, inerrant, and inspired Word of God, and the only rule of faith and life. However, I will keep the Popemobile.

So, what do you think? Are you with me? Do you agree that I am the perfect candidate for Popehood? If so, light up your grill and send up some white smoke! The Pope is dead; long live the Pope!

Now, may the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Amen.

Read: Matthew 23:9.